Howdy friends and neighbors, Patches here! I am wearing a surgical mask because everyone in this house has been sick and with a nose like mine germs within thirty feet can find their way into my nasal passages! I had to be creative and tie the strings to my back teeth because they kept slipping off my ears. You know, dogs don’t have those convenient ridges to their ears humans have. It is why we don’t run around with MP3 players hooked up like IVs to us all the time, jamming to our tunes. Hold on, I have a bit of food stuck in the left string and it is gagging me…whew, there, it is out. Okay, now let’s talk about things.I was exceedingly disappointed in Halloween this year! I did not have one single child come to my house! I had more candy than Hershey’s and my door bell did not buzz one single time! I kept running to the storm door to peer out to see if the porch light was on, to make sure there were no monsters sitting on the sidewalk scaring people away and checking the calendar to make sure I had the date right. At one point, I even sniffed under my arms to make sure I wasn’t so smelly I was keeping people away because they thought something was dead inside the house! Dad sure looked happy at the end of the night about having all that candy left. His stomach just sagged in defeat and his feet looked up at his stomach with this like ‘really?’ look. I wanted to ask mom if there was a weight limit on human feet but I didn’t feel like getting yelled at by dad so I kept my mouth shut and went to bed.I have a secret but mom can’t know, okay? I found a piece of chocolate cake on the floor that dad dropped and I ate it. Oh man, oh man, was it ever good! I heard chocolate kills dogs but it wasn’t carrying a gun and I saw the knife was still on the drain board so I went for it! Sometimes I think humans make stuff up because they want to keep the good stuff for themselves. Dad ate so much of that cake I thought he was going to pop! He finally told mom to bring the rest of it to the police officer and his wife who live next door. I am not really sure what good that did because about an hour later dad was sitting next to me with a whole half gallon of Blue Bell ice cream and the carton was his bowl! Well, I hear dad clearing his lungs, must be time for me to join him out in the yard for some pecan picking. I love you all with all my heart, all mom’s heart and what is left of dad’s! Time to start thinking about Turkey Day…woo hoo…I love me some turkey leg! Don’t be a turkey, don’t cook your own goose, and above all…don’t be as cuckoo as my mom!