My mom doesn’t know this but I found her secret laptop. It is one she bought as a back-up when her regular one broke and she wasn’t sure they were going to be able to fix it. I am always in fear for my life when I sneak hers off the stand to use, not because she would hurt me but because she feeds me and I have no wish to hurt her. Don’t you just love it when the world takes lemons and makes you grape juice? I hate Facebook. I realize that just came out of nowhere but only for you guys, it has been in my heart and rattling around in my brain for ever so long now. It isn’t that my mom spends all that much time with her friends on it, she doesn’t, it is what she does with the time she does spend. I hear her going crazy over cute pictures of people’s babies, grand children, dogs and cats and I do not appreciate it one bit. Come on people, how does she even know what they post is really theirs or really real? I want to say to mom…”Think about this…you are looking at an image on a computer…does the phrase computer enhancement mean anything to you?” When I hear her go all goo goo eyed over something I usually go into her room wearing my cutest dog in the world face. You guys should see my look, I could win contests, beat out Honey Boo Boos, America’s Next Top Model and America’s Got Talent winner all rolled into one! Of course, I would never brag or take the opportunity away from anyone else so I just stay home and let mom enjoy my adorability. I heard mom talking to Jean Reeves on the phone tonight. Jean loves when I write this column and has to call mom to let her know how much she enjoys my writing. I overheard mom tell Jean she was thinking about creating a Facebook page for me. That would be a good idea except she would want to know the password, who my friends were and be one of them. I do not think that would work for me! I have seen the stuff she posts on Shawn’s page and my face turns so red for the poor guy. I look like a ripe grape on the vine, (you get the reference…my long body being the stalk and all) I really want to pat her on the head like she pats me and say…”You do realize although you gave birth to Shawn, it was thirty-eight years ago, he now walks across the street all on his own, is engaged to be married, is licensed to drive, makes more money a year than you will ever see and really doesn’t need his friends to see the words ‘Love You Shawnie’ plastered all over his Facebook page…step away from the computer, mom! She does worse things to me on Facebook and it is the reason I cannot allow her to set up an account for me or have to break her heart and tell her we can’t be friends there. I cannot even tell you guys how many times I have caught her trying to act like a stealth camera lady! She must think I am deaf and stupid when I go to sleep because she tries to snap pictures of me just inches from my face! My eyes might be shut but good gosh, unless I died in my sleep, I still know what sounds are and a camera flash to me is like someone turning on a flare right inside my brain! Yeah, I am never going to notice that bright light, your breath hitting my eyelashes and you will get exactly the picture you are after…what a goofball! Worse than the pictures though, are the captions she writes when she posts them. The other day I walked into mom’s room because it was time for our bowl of peanuts and mom was at her computer telling the world she calls me Patty Wagon and Peanut Patty! Oh my gosh, is nothing sacred? I love you people with all my heart and I have a request, if you are friends with my mom on Facebook…tell her to respect my privacy or you will find creative names for her and plaster them all over Facebook too! I have my own laptop now and I may just start my own column…enough is enough…oh wait, she feeds me, doesn’t she…never mind!!!! Mom, your little Peanut Patty loves you!