Harold used his new barbeque pit for the first time last week to smoke a brisket. He had not prepared one in over fifteen years because while he loves eating it, he has no desire to consume an entire slab of meat all by himself. I cannot tell you guys how many times we have been out shopping and he has stood in front of the beef counter with longing in his eyes and turned to me to say: “You know, if you weren’t a stupid vegetarian, I could buy something here, bring it home and put it on the pit!” I would always just smile and think to myself yes, and if you actually realized the phrasing of that sentence is a total and complete put down even though that was not your intent, I would enjoy talking to you more about it!I realize the concept of living life without consuming animal parts is a difficult one to grasp and it is why I never impose my views on anyone else. You guys do realize I haven’t filed for divorce or even gone out and purchased a separate refrigerator so my vegetables do not co-habitate with dead animals, right? I may be weird but crazy activist zealot?, certainly not! I am a person who likes to find a way to accommodate others and to try to make everyone happy, so I came up with a plan for Harold to have his brisket and eat it too.I told Harold he should buy a brisket, smoke it and then share it with a few neighbors of his choice. What no one knows is my giving him free reign in the kitchen is like saying okay here is a wrecking ball now go swing it freely and I will just go outside to play and not worry about a thing. Yes, I know the grill is not in my kitchen but all the spices, cooking utensils, bowls and things to prepare the brisket are and you have no idea the damage Harold can do getting even trying to get the foil out the cabinet! What? I am being mean again? Okay, I will let you clean up the mess next time.Harold was fussing over that brisket like a girl picking out a prom dress who then comes out of the dressing room and asks…”Do I look fat in this?” He was in his office looking up recipes from the food channel, rummaging through cabinets looking for ingredients to build his own rub after letting it rest in the fridge overnight in a spa of salty brine. I seriously wanted to ask him if he was trying to win the affection of the brisket or actually going to cook it? I even asked at one point, “are you trying to breathe life back into that thing so you can keep it as a pet?”It wasn’t as if he had never prepared brisket before. When we lived in Friendswood, he’d prepared massive amounts of briskets for parties we’d had where more than one hundred guests would show up at our house. He impressed my entire law firm of millionaire lawyers with his tasty smoked brisket and burnt ends and it was probably the first time those guys ever went anywhere without charging someone for their time. I told him to relax, stop second guessing himself, he wasn’t on Pit Masters so it wasn’t a competition and he could just enjoy the smell of smoke in the air.Since he’d made such a production out of things, by the time the poor dead cow part was actually ready for cooking, it was the day the rains came. The brisket was not quite done and had to be finished in the oven. Harold gave our neighbor Dwayne Shaw some and because he was not happy with the way it turned out, please listen carefully to his excuse…”I am not real happy with it. Lindy, doesn’t like salt, so I didn’t salt it enough. The next one I do I will use more salt.” Excuse me????? You are blaming the vegetarian? I am a little confused, he once cooked some broccoli for me that had so much salt it took me a week to stop looking like a puckered lip fish but what do I know…I am just a stupid vegetarian! Oh well, what is really important is he got his brisket and ate it too and the fact that I love you all with all my very unsalted heart!