I didn’t watch much television before Harold retired. I don’t know, maybe it was the three coats of primer and two coats of paint every wall in this house needed to be livable. In addition, there was the 1,200 square feet of flooring that had to be installed and all the other things that had to be done to make it home but television was definitely not a priority. I am sure my neighbors who live next door were very happy when he did retire because my living room is on the opposite side of their house, whereas my stereo was in my bedroom and I doubt they enjoyed listening to my AC DC, Motley Crue or Metallica Cds. Once he did retire my music died and the days of my screaming at the television began.
Okay, maybe you guys can help me. There are a few things I would really like to know. When on earth did it become appropriate for Mr. Whipple to stop squeezing the Charmin and blue bears to demonstrate the necessity, strength and durability of toilet tissue? Oh, and by the way, exactly at what moment did bears become blue, begin wearing bow ties and start using toilet tissue in the first place? Is that where all our money is going? Are we going around paying people to paint bears blue, buying them bow ties, paying them to do commercials and providing them lifetime supplies of Charmin? I’m sorry if I am being obtuse here in not understanding but I have been in many public places and I have as yet to see a blue bear come out of a restroom, turn around and say…"Excuse me, do I have any remnant paper on my behind?" I can also tell you had I ever been witness to any such thing, I would have immediately called 911 and checked myself into the nearest psyche ward because I would have finally agreed with many who know me and thought I’d finally let go of that last rolling marble in brain!
Moving on to tense situations in dramas/cop shows. Okay, if I suspect, have an inkling or even imagine there is someone in my house, outside my door or hiding waiting to attack me, guess what, rather than go explore where I think they might be; I will be heading in the exact opposite direction and as fast as my feet can carry my tall frame! I find myself screaming at the television at these people things like…"Oh my gosh, when was your last dose of crack??? You idiot, he is in the closet in your bedroom! You saw that your front door was opened, are you stupid? No wonder you failed kindergarten!" I know it is ridiculous but what is so sad is I really, really want the person to hear me because the thought of them getting chopped to bits because of their own stupidity just seems such a waste. I find myself thinking if I could have only spent some time tutoring that person she would have not had such poor self-esteem as to pick that loser, befriend that person, put herself in that circumstance or have that boyfriend in the first place!
I know what you all are thinking, poor, poor Harold. You are right, living with a writer and a person of extreme imagination is like living with a firecracker that lights its own fuse; you never ever know when it is going to ignite! It isn’t really a control issue with me because I have no desire to be the one in charge. I just wish we either had no commercials on television at all or the people who created them actually were forced to watch what they put out there, over and over and over, just as we are forced to.
One last thing before I go. Other than credit card commercials, do people on television actually pay for anything they buy? I see people load up with merchandise but rarely do I see any actual exchange of cash and isn’t that called theft, stealing, a crime? I know I said one last thing but come on, you know me, what is it with looking like you are attending a red carpet event to go to the grocery store? Please people, I have walked into Super S and seen women shopping wearing their pajamas and slippers and I happen to know they are the real women of America. Real people have shirts with last nights’ dinner on the sleeve, baby spit up on the shoulder and jeans that have an honest days work on them. We are not a bunch of cookie cutter, air brushed, fake, Stepford Wife, beings and so why on earth does television pretend we are?
Well guys, it is time for me to go. Patches is barking. He just saw a blue bear run from the bathroom into the hall closet. There is a trail of Charmin, lipstick all over the wall and Mr. Clean is standing at the kitchen door with a meat cleaver. I would run but the Nike’s I bought don’t work like the commercial told me they would and I don’t leave a puff of smoke behind me when I take off and everyone and everything in my dust. Love you all with all my heart and if I survive I will be back next week with another one of these.